Reaching the destination - a word interchangeable with goals, milestones, places et cetera - is always bound to be satisfying. You've done it! But after that fleeting moment of satisfaction has passed you are left chasing the next thing. The following is a typical scenario, one that I found myself in too. You have just graduated high school, now you are off to university and once that is done your sight is set on finding a job and starting a career. The benefit of thinking and behaving this way is that you will always be pushing yourself to accomplish more. However, once you hit all these goals and milestones in your life you may find that you are left feeling unsatisfied or looking around for what you should be doing next.
It is easy when you are young and just starting out but what happens after you have entered the workforce? Marriage, kids, traveling? That's great. Whats after that? Do you see the problem that develops? Also what happens when things do not go according to plan? Are you ready to deal with the consequences? I am not talking about the very real risks of say not finding a job right away with bills pilling up or facing the fact that you don't have what it takes to be a lawyer, or a doctor. I am talking about the emotional consequences. The sense of failure and the confusion about what will happen next. Being flexible and realistic is always great but I think a dash of ambition and striving for something that seems out of reach at the moment is needed too. I think a better solution is for us to find ways to enjoy the journey that may or may not lead to the destination we've imagined. I ended up specializing in Risk Management in university. A few years later here I am writing and working on my blog, working at a job that isn't exactly in my field. I always hated it when people asked me what I had studied and what I was doing now. They didn't quite match up. I felt like I had failed. Since I love what I do now I had been looking back at the four years I spent getting my degree with frustration and annoyance. Why had I wasted so much time on something I may never use? It wasn't until my husband had pointed out that not only was I being ungrateful but I was looking at it all wrong. I had gained so many experiences during my time in university, from meeting new people, to experimenting with baking and other new hobbies. The list is endless. On a more practical level, I also gained important skills from the courses I took as well as a new perspective on business and life in general. This should have been obvious to me but it wasn't at the time. Other times when I had been focused on the destination have included freaking out while traveling that we are late, worrying that the weather will ruin everything, and wondering if I will be able to reach my goals in the future. Clearly, I have never been the one to focus on the present and appreciate the journey. That has all changed in the last year or so when I was forced to slow down and take a deep breath. Moving across the country was never in my plan but it happened. Since I apparently have no skills at predicting the future I thought to myself I might as well enjoy my work and day to day life. So I'm no longer walking around with my To Do List, watching the clock while I frown as I rush to try to accomplish everything on "time". In a way because the pressure is off and I have silenced that nagging voice in the back of my head I have been happier. Everything can be an opportunity and a chance to learn. I have learned that sometimes it is not your life that needs an overhaul but simply your perspective on it.
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I was part of the large group of people who flocked to book stores at midnight waiting to get my hands on the latest Harry Potter book. Out of all the books I read as a child/young adult the Harry Potter books were my biggest obsession. For a long time, I would re-read the books I had over and over again prompting my father to worry about this unnatural preoccupation with the magical world.
But all obsessions fizzle out over time. It has now been 9 years since I last read a Harry Potter book and over 12 years since I was obsessively immersed in the universe J.K. Rowling created. I have forgotten why I loved the series so much and what drew me into this series. A while ago, I decided to re-read my favorite book series (or standalone novels) that I read when I was younger and remember fondly. I know that some books I remember solely because of nostalgia and will no longer enjoy but I also fully expect to come across books that have withstood the test of time. The Little Things I forgot I thought I knew the books so well that there couldn't possibly be any surprises in store for me when re-reading Harry Potter. Boy was I wrong! "...Dumbledore had swapped his pointed wizard's hat for a flowered bonnet..." - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, pg. 203 or "...Mr. Weasley had thrown himself at Mr. Malfoy, knocking him backwards into a bookshelf." -Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, pg. 63 There are plenty of other examples but they definitely surprised me and gave me a little laugh. Differences From the Movies Obviously, there are more details in the books. You get to spend more time with more characters in the books and learn more tidbits about the world. For instance, in the movies it always seems as though Harry, Ron and Hermione are on their own but in the books they are constantly surrounded by other friends too. When they get detention in the first book Neville is with them something they omitted in the movies. So I would argue that you can get a lot more from the books that the movies don't have time to delve into (this is usually always the case). Things I Never Noticed There is a lot of bias and discrimination. Teachers constantly favor certain students or punish those who have done nothing to deserve it. There doesn't seem to be any set rules for doling out punishments and rewards. These punishments can even include poisoning pets (Ex: Snape to Neville's toad) or sending off unprepared students on dangerous tasks (ex: searching for what was killing unicorns in the forest). It also seems that everyone has ganged up on Slytherins and decided they are evil from the get-go. All of these things raised many concerns and questions that had never bothered me before when I first read the series. Thus, leading me to conclude that between the discrimination, dangerous creatures, etc. Hogwarts is not the safe haven I thought it was but rather a dangerous place. Magic might be amazing but there are many aspects of living in the wizarding world that would no longer appeal to me. For instance, I would not trade my smartphone for an owl (emailing/texting is much more efficient). Nor, would I want to go back to writing with a quill and ink on parchment. Of course, the books are set in the 90s so I am not surprised some of these issues were skimmed over/irrelevant at the time. But I do realize how outdated some wizard technology is. Conclusions I was quite surprised to find I could still enjoy this book series after so many years (and upon re-reading them so much). Of course, many adults read the series when it first came out too not just children. So, I would venture to say they have definitely withstood the test of time. Of course, I have small grievances with some of the books but overall, I loved revisiting the world of Harry Potter. I have come to the conclusion that having a lot of time on your hands can be dangerous. With nothing else to occupy my mind it has turned to sulking and reminiscing about the past. Most recently, I have been thinking a lot of about friends. Having moved across the country I left a lot of them behind so this tangent has not been surprising as I watch myself drifting away from yet another set of people.
It's funny to think that now almost everyone is a quick search away. It is so easy to reconnect with people you haven't spoken to in years. I am always tempted to do this. I will be looking at old photos and remember the good times I had with someone. But when it comes down to sending them a message I stop. In truth I have nothing to say expect that today I was reminded of them. We no longer share common interests except that back in the day we used to play, go on trips, go to parties or watch simply TV together. This is what stops me from sending that message - why try to hold on to something that is no longer there? Why attempt to revive a dead relationship? The nostalgia tempts me. The rosy memories of happy carefree days tempts me. But these memories are not entirely accurate. They tend to omit the fights and the things we disliked about the other person. It is better to let sleeping dogs lie. So instead, I hoard my memories, letting them exist untainted by reality in the back of my mind where I can cherish them. I am not being passive about this but rather realistic as I have come to realize that friendships as well as all other relationships change over time. Some are just not meant to last forever even if right now you cannot imagine your life without that person there. As someone who has tended to take friendships for granted in the past I have changed. I value the friendships I have held on to and the new ones I have made more than ever. I am also more careful about those I let into my life. I will always cherish the memories of old friends. Other Updates - I am jumping into a new novel - doing preliminary research at the moment - Some more Free Fiction is coming your way - & more blog posts! Last night, I had a dream that I was in a speeding car racing down an empty country road. Before I knew it I was heading to towards train tracks and the bar was down. I had two choices: step on the gas or hit the brakes.
I stepped on the gas and barely avoided getting hit by the oncoming train. I tried to slow down but no matter how hard I tried I could not get the car to stop. I was coming up to a city and I could just imagine the mayhem that would ensue. So I did the only logical thing I could think of and crashed the car into a building to avoid disaster. My heart was racing when I woke up and I felt as though I was struggling to catch my breath. This was just a dream but I cannot help but think of how much it mirrors my life at the moment. I have been jumping back and forth between several projects. Some nights I get only two to three hours of sleep. Somehow, I repeat this day after day. When I try to give myself a break I find I cannot relax so I just continue working. But we all have a breaking point and I fear that I will end up crashing - literally this time. Why am I rushing to the finish line? There is no race. I need to remember that this is not a race. Well, it shouldn't be. While I might love my work I have to put it aside from time to time and slow down. In every career, hobby or project you take on there will be setbacks. From lack of time, money and energy to lack of motivation, competence and doubt. The list seems endless and sometimes I am surprised anything gets done at all. A combination of perseverance and passion gets us through but then I came across a hurtle I had never dealt with before. This hurtle threatened to undermine my determination and tear down everything I had worked so hard to achieve. What shocked me was that this had all stemmed from envy.
As children we heard about the green eyed monster. It was a vile emotion leading to feelings of anger, sadness and the desire for retribution. We were told it was not right to feel this way but of course, we are not perfect and it would spring up in our lives. At the time it was reserved for gifts others received, attention given to your siblings and not to you, or that shiny new toy the neighbor was playing with. Slowly, we became accustomed to its presence - almost numb - to envy. Walking by the shop window, you spot that gorgeous dress you've had your eye on but cannot afford. You are envious of those who can afford it. You think of all the celebrities, the millionaires, perhaps, even your friends who wouldn't bat an eye at its price. Just as quickly that heavy feeling in your gut disappears and you move on with your day. We see perfect bodies and wish we could look like that. Immaculate houses we wish we owned. Fabulous vacations you can only dream about. Envy and desire go hand in hand. Companies spend millions of dollars a year on marketing to evoke this type of emotion from you. Luxury brands are in the business of selling you fantasy. After all, that new Louis Vuitton purse will not change your life. However, when you see that advertisement with the perfect model, in the perfect house, you might think to yourself that if you got one too your life might get one step closer to theirs. I have heard of people going into debt just trying to keep up. I have heard of people throwing aside friendships because they could not handle being around those they were so envious of. Without realizing it envy can translate into stress and that's where the problem began for me. We have an innate fight of flight response to stress in our environment triggered by perceived harm, fear, etc. Rational thought goes out the window. What I had not been aware of was that envy could cause a similar response. I am not eager to admit how envious I feel towards other writers. Whether, it is their work or successes - I cannot help but think "why can't that be me?". Of course, there are plenty of other things I am envious of. I want that new phone, I want that shiny new car but the envy was not potent. With writing it is different. Ever since publishing my own books I have felt envy's sting far more sharply. It got to the point where I have actually considered throwing in the towel. Why should I bother trying? I'll never be as good as X. I'll never make as much money as Y. Why did they get all of this recognition? All of these thoughts and questions have simple answers but they are no less self-destructive. Especially, when you allow yourself to obsess over them. The point is they have all stemmed from envy I felt towards others. Most of the time my response has been to flee. In the past, I did this with ballet, drawing and piano. It had been easier to just eliminate the cause of all these insecurities - to just give up. But I cannot. I love writing too much and I do not want to be defeated by this. So I have decided to change the conversation. I will fight rather than flee. I will accept there will always people who are better than me, who have achieved more but that does not mean my accomplishments are meaningless either. I will strive to achieve my goals and will focus on congratulating other people's achievements (rather than grumbling about the injustice in the world). Why not channel that energy spent being envious into something proactive? If you want to achieve anything you have to be willing to put in the effort, to overcome your fear. You might stumble, you might never win but at least you can say you tried. Envy will always be there but I am done complaining. I will start doing. Everyone has that one thing they do when they need to relax whether it is taking a bath or drinking a hot cup of tea. I turn to walking. A quick walk to the store, through the park or a hike, clears my head and gives me the chance to just breathe. Then the thinking can begin. I work on problems with fresh insight, going over in my mind what I can do and the possible outcomes. Sometimes I just walk to relax. We all get stumped by a problem - for me it is writer's block. I don't know how to write the next scene, where I want to story to go (even though I have worked on an outline) or I am simply uninspired and am struggling to write even one word. Getting away from my desk does wonders for my sanity. Dragging a friend along makes things even better. Unfortunately, pressure and stress can only push us so far. We all need a break. We all need a breath of fresh air. Find what works for you.
I write -
Historical romance for pleasure, And historical fiction for interest, I write what I love.
When I began writing the one thing I was certain of was that I wanted to write historical novels. I have always been passionate about history and used most of my elective courses in university to take as many courses as I could. I also loved reading historical novels and as a guilty pleasure historical romances as well.
I found myself debating if I should stay away from doing a historical romance novel or not. In the end, I chose to do both. I did not feel like limiting myself just because I was worried that people wouldn't take me seriously or judge my choices. We are often told to not worry about what other people think but social stigmas are no less potent. Over the last few months I was surprised to find how I had become apologetic for writing romance or even trying to start a writing career. It was as difficult as the time I had admitted to my friends that I enjoyed reading a regency romance novel - some of whom had turned up their nose at me for reading what they saw as "garbage". I have never been that brave person who stands up to people and fights to break social stigmas. However, I am not afraid to do what I want either. I am the passive rebel. I take the criticism with a smile and a shrug but keep doing what I love. Of course, the judgement still hurts and I will likely never learn to not let it affect me but I have learned to live with it. Having written four novels now and hard at work on a fifth, I have not regretted my decision. The common thread between all my books is the exploration and building of relationships not just between two people but also between mothers and daughters etc. For example, in my novel Joan, I was curious to explore the relationship between a woman who by all accounts had a happy successful marriage but who would end up being betrayed by the man she loved. In The Stars Above, I looked at the powerful love between a child and her parents and how given the chance forgiveness can mend the heart. My writing has included historical figures using the backdrop of real historical events and other times the characters and events were of my own creation. The romance is there. The hatred and drama is too. My goal has always been to write an entertaining story bringing history to life once more and not worry so much about what will impress others. Let them judge. Someday in the future I may explore other genre's too but for now I will get back to what I know and love. When I sat down to get to work today I noticed my work space as if for the first time. As I looked around at my desk covered with my notebooks, papers and pens, I wondered when this had happened. It used to be just me and my laptop. Each of my notebooks has a purpose from outlines, business plans, research and snippets of scenes for my new novel. I had begun doing all my work from beginning to end on the computer but slowly, I had migrated back to the comfort of a good old notebook (some of these are over two years old). In the past, I would amass journals and notebooks because of their striking covers or my fervent desire to start a diary - which never seemed to take off. However, luckily after starting to pursue my writing career they have now found a purpose and are getting my constant attention. I would never have thought I would be relying on my notebooks so much to organize my thoughts and ideas but it is what I have gravitated towards no matter how backwards it might seem in today's digital world. I am reminded of how there is no "magic formula to writing". Some authors might write out their first draft by hand. Others might never make an outline. What matters is finding what works for you and focusing on meeting your goals. I am also comforted by the thought that one day my notebooks might become keepsakes, but for now I am reaching for them every day and plowing through them at an alarming rate. Currently finished: 2 Currently using: 3 Currently blank: 1 Last April the chance and the final decision to leave everything behind and start over fell into my lap. Would we? Should we? The logistical nightmare plagued me for days. However, the excitement consumed me as well. I had been feeling bored and restless, not only at my job but my social life too. I tried to rationalize my thought process when making this huge decision but in my heart I already knew what I wanted. I wanted change. I wanted excitement and adventure. This wasn't as big of a change as moving to a completely new country where I wouldn't know the language. Nor, was it financially irresponsible because my husband had been offered a great new job. Nothing was stopping us. The decision was finally made and by June we had packed up our belongings - throwing away a lot of our junk (very therapeutic). We sold our house, said goodbye to family and friends and with only a car full of our essentials we drove across the country with our little dog to our new life. 6 Months later...
Slowly, as I became settled in I became accustomed to life in our new home. We finally had furniture; I no longer had to rely on Google Maps to find my local grocery store & we managed to reconnect with some old friends.
However, I surprised myself one day by thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to move back. In fact, it might be what I wanted to do eventually. There were lots of positives that came from leaving behind everything but I was surprised by the negatives as well. I miss my old friends - skyping is not the same as meeting up at 10pm to watch a movie in our PJs. My family used to live an hour away and we saw each other often (perhaps, too often), but now they would need to jump in a plane to come see me and that might only happen once a year if at all. We've missed out on more family events than we would have liked to skip out on. We got the space and change we craved but also the loneliness that comes with it. The biggest boon of this move has been how close my husband and I have gotten. Life is different - it's not bad but nor is it the amazing exciting life I had imagined when I had jumped on the opportunity to drop everything and leave. I had definitely been in a rut back home or thought I was but I've come to realize that change can only do so much. I come across countless of articles, blog posts, etc. of people proclaiming they've had enough or are looking to make a huge change. They are bored at their jobs, feel stagnant at home and just like I once did, they want to drop everything and just go... I wrote this post as a word of caution. Dropping everything is not all it's cracked up to be and unfortunately, you might not realize it until after you have done it. Just because you have moved or are lucky enough to be able to travel around the globe does not mean your problems will not follow you. Leaving everything behind will not suddenly make you super happy (in fact, it may create even more problems down the line). Sometimes all you might need is a vacation. So do some careful thinking before you turn your world upside down. I am sure there are plenty of stories out there both of people who have had positive and negative experiences of leaving everything behind. Feel free to share :) I have a box of unfinished projects. It’s always on the back of my mind reminding me of my failures. There is nothing new or special about my situation. Perhaps, my story will help motivate you to give discipline a chance. My problem as I would discover is that I am easily motivated but just as quickly, I find I lose interest and give up. Ten years ago, I watched Save the Last Dance, starring Julia Stiles. It must have inspired me a lot because after that I decided I wanted to learn ballet. In the week following, I bought my shoes, signed up for 6 months of classes and read as many books as I could about ballet. Everyone commented on how passionate I seemed. Fast forward, three months. I no longer attended classes, and my ballet shoes were abandoned in my closet. I had discovered I was not a naturally gifted dancer, and the reality of dance was not as fun as what I had seen on screen. I have many more examples. I’m sure you do too. Last year, I was fed up and angry at myself. Why couldn’t I follow things through? Was I a quitter? Then when another ‘potential’ hobby caught my eye, I was determined that this time would be different. I pursued my new hobby with caution. Instead, of buying all the equipment I needed and signing up for a yearly commitment of classes, I opted for renting and relying on some helpful friends and YouTube to get me started. I had decided to (try to) learn how to play the cello. The first time I brought my cello home, I couldn't draw a sound out of it. I was ready to cry. It took me four long hours before I could manage to play a note (my bow was lacking a serious amount rosin). In the three days after my struggle, I didn't pick up the cello again. Had I given up again? As it turned out I was lucky — this time. A friend I had approached to help me with learning the cello contacted me asking, how it was going. Shamefully, I replied that it wasn't going well and I felt like giving up. That friend gave me some advice: “Whatever you do, just pick up the cello once a day. Even if all you do is play one note for five minutes straight. If it helps, find a simple song that you like, learn the notes, and play it over and over again. Don’t stop.” Determined to succeed, I did just that. By the end of two weeks I played “Mary had a little lamb” beautifully. The first day I managed to play through the whole song, I skyped my parents and played it for them. Twice. I’m sure they were annoyed.
In those two weeks, I had learned two surprising things:
I had always underestimated the powerful effect of being disciplined. If I had motivation, then I did not need discipline. Discipline was something left for school work or for your job. Hobbies should not need discipline. Boy was I wrong. Of course, not all hobbies and projects will pan out but now with a bit of discipline, I hope to give them a fighting chance. It’s been almost a year, and I still play the cello. I will never be good enough to play in an orchestra but it makes me proud that I stuck with it. I am so happy every time I learn a new song and can play it for my friends and family. My experience with the cello has transferred over nicely to my writing. Five years ago I would never have had the discipline to finish a book. Now I stick as best as I can to a schedule every day - writing as often and as much as I can. In fact, it was this discipline that has motivated me to pursue more projects. Can you think of a time when you had the motivation but lacked the discipline to succeed? |
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